I heard a commercial on the radio the other day, that said, in part, “Everyone knows that it’s a good idea to give your sweetheart something on Valentines’ Day, especially if you want to keep them as your sweetheart.” It was a commercial for chocolates, one of the traditional staples for the Day.
I’ve been thinking about our Hallmark day of love as it approaches, and considering what people often give each other: flowers, candlelit dinners, jewelry — the standards. These will do, I suppose, though I’ve always preferred gifts that last through time, or gifts that keep on giving. Jewelry and flowering plants seem to fit that requirement, but this year, I find myself thinking about the gift of CURIOSITY:
I believe that curiosity is the most meaningful gift we can give our loved ones. While many experts will tell you that two of the biggest issues in relationships are money and sex, I propose there is a third – more pernicious: BOREDOM. It occurs when people no longer cultivate curiosity.
When you stop wondering what your partner, friend, or colleague feels and thinks and why, the relationship can come to a crashing halt or – more likely – die slowly of stagnation. When you think you can predict your partner’s reaction to the events of your lives, boredom may be lurking. In a work relationship, mediocrity may soon appear.
I’m not saying that it’s bad to understand each other so well that your responses to everyday interactions are somewhat predictable. There’s a certain comfort in knowing what you can expect from your partner in many domains of life. It’s comforting to relax into a well-ordered, predictable life, where you know what you can count on, and what you can’t. But too much predictability is deadening. When the patterns of your interactions become fixed, your relationship is likely to become stagnant; that’s when exploration stops.
I know just such a couple. They built a lovely home together, they both had successful careers, and a comfortable lifestyle. One day, the husband came home and said, rather causally, to his wife, “I think I’d like to do a stint in the Peace Corps.” She described that moment to me: “I felt my body completely contract, my breathing stopped, and all I could say was, ‘NO! No way we’re going to do that!’ ”
In retrospect, she could see that she had allowed her fear to close down any possibility of further conversation about the matter. She also learned how, had she been able to stay available and open, she could have stepped into a mood of curiosity, and explored what was going on with her beloved mate, such that he was considering such a drastic change to their lives. In her learning she also saw how having that conversation could have deepened their connection and their understanding of one another. But when you operate as if your partner will say or do only what you want and expect, you shut down an interesting and stimulating playground, and cheat yourself and your partner of deepening connection and intimacy.
This is so with singles as well as couples, and with friends and colleagues, as well as love partners. It certainly shows up in the dating game. Think about some of the best dates you ever had. What made them great?
Maybe you went somewhere really interesting, and did something really fun. But what was great about the date was the quality of interaction you had. And part of what made that interaction so delicious was that
you were curious about each other. That mutual interest about what you think, what you feel, what you do, who and what you care about, what your values are, is quickening: exciting, stimulating, and compelling.
When you’ve known each other for a while, you recognize that kind of interest as ongoing love, friendship, commitment to the other’s happiness. Successful colleagues enjoy the same kind of stimulating exploration out of a commitment to each other’s success.
Whether you are single or partnered, here’s a generous action around Valentine’s Day:
Allow yourself to wonder about something that’s really interesting to your partner, friend, colleague, or date. Ask them to tell you all about why it’s important to them, how they first got involved with it, and what about it fascinates them. Listen in a mood of curiosity, for the sake of deeply understanding that person’s world and how that person is motivated, whether their interest be plumbing, stamp collecting, sailing, or breeding rare birds. Ask questions that will help you understand more about who they are, what they value, and how they relate to the world around them.
You’ll learn a lot; You’ll have a great time…
… And if you’re already doing this with your friends and loved ones, you can skip the chocolates!
I WISH YOU A LUSCIOUS VALENTINE’S DAY ENJOYING THE PEOPLE YOU CARE MOST ABOUT.
