Who is the partner at fault in your relationship?
Under what circumstances would you say that your relationship is thriving?
This is one of the first questions I pose to couples I’m beginning to work with. Frequently, the response I hear is something like, “If s/he would just do/be/act (fill in the blank).”
Relationship is a collaboration, remember?
In my 20+ years of coaching relationships, I’ve never heard anyone say, “Our relationship would be so much better if I’d just do/be/say/act…”
It is so much easier to see and critique someone else; so much harder to see ourselves objectively, and notice the contribution we make to the challenges of our relationships. We forget that our relationship is a collaboration, and what happens inside that collaboration is a product of both our attention or inattention, our conversations or lack of them, and our actions or inaction.
If we are not both attending to the quality and texture of our partnership, and each of our own involvement and contribution in it (intentional or not, conscious or not), then how do we co-create a satisfying, fulfilling life together?
Make it about you
So, if I get the “if s/he would just…” answer to that first question, the next question I offer to my clients, and which I offer to you, is “what’s one thing YOU could do that could help your relationship thrive more?”
I invite you to reflect on this question, whether your relationship is thriving or not, and send me your comments, questions and feedback.
