A woman I know dismissed a potential relationship candidate because she judged his style of hailing a cab “wimpy.” Is that too picky? I say it depends on what she requires in a relationship.
By “…in a relationship,” I am not referring to who she thinks her ideal mate will be. I’m speaking of the quality of relationship she wants.
- How does she want the relationship between her and her partner to be?
- What is it she’s committed to creating with a partner?
- And what skills and competencies do they both need in order to create what each of them–separately and together–are committed to?
Picking your commitments
Is she committed to creating a harmonious home with someone? Raising a family? Is she committed to building a relationship where issues are honestly named, explored and resolved? One where collaboration and shared outcomes guide words and actions? One that celebrates shared (or diverse) cultural background or religious orientation?
If you can name 5 – 7 of the qualities of relationship you are committed to having–that you absolutely won’t do without–you will be evaluating relationship candidates around these criteria. And that won’t be “too picky.”
Pushing past chemistry
Now let’s talk about settling. Again, if you are clear about what you are committed to creating, and what you will not do without, the only way you can “just settle” is if you set aside your critical criteria.
Or, there’s that thing called chemistry. If you allow yourself to be swept away by powerful chemistry, yes, that has been known to trump all sensibility. Make no mistake, chemistry is important. I want every couple to have amazing chemistry. I also want them to be aware that this is only one-half of the equation. The other half is this–and this is very important, so listen up. Ask yourself:
- Is this person someone I can partner with to create the shared future I long for?
- Are we both committed to the same or similar kind of vision?
- Are we both competent to create that shared future?
- Do we know what qualities of relationship we won’t do without?
- If we have different visions, are we willing to sign up for our potential partner’s vision?
- And can our respective visions be incorporated with one another?
If you’re thinking these questions are big and challenging, and perhaps a little intimidating, you’re getting it! But long-term, alive and vibrant relationships are big, challenging, and occasionally intimidating. So step right up and take them on. You’ll be really glad you did. And you will be neither “too picky,” nor “just settling.”
